5 Essential Tips for Letting Go of Control: A Primer for Clients of Pro-Dominants

5 Essential Tips for Letting Go of Control: A Primer for Clients of Pro-Dominants

By Headmistress Shahrazad


When you go visit a Pro-Dominant, does a little inner voice suddenly start screaming at you that you “look silly”, or “shouldn’t cry”, or that you best not let anyone “get in your head”? Do you find vulnerability difficult and the notion of losing control scary even if you deeply fantasize about both?  Growing up, was there a heavy emphasis placed on “keeping yourself together”, having a “stiff upper lip”, or not doing certain “shameful” things, which you then carried into who you are as an adult? Have you ever been told by someone you play with that you have a tendency to “top from the bottom”? If you can answer yes to any of the above questions, please know that you are not alone. While many people deeply crave the experience of letting go of control, few know how to do so. It isn’t easy to shut off the way you regularly conduct yourself in the world when you are suddenly presented with an opportunity to.

I remember a conversation I had with a client once, a CEO of an international corporation. He mentioned that he had travelled all over the world during his career, experiencing BDSM sessions with renowned Femdoms in every country he visited. I had remarked at the time that he must have experienced some profound scenes, to which he replied casually that they were all just okay. I was surprised by this until he went on to share why he felt they were all mediocre sessions – it was due to his perception that “…none of them could make him” lose control. I understood in that moment that the issue was not the countless professionals he had visited, but his own inability to give himself permission to let go.

It is not just him either. I have played with people whose inner dialogues were so vicious they’d beat themselves up for months for allowing themselves an hour of surrender. I have met people who needed to so completely be in control that every single word of a scene needed to be scripted. I’ve encountered those who expressed the desire for total abdication of their will, with whom play remained superficial as they simply could not let go of their everyday personas. It was not that their intentions to submit were insincere, only that when it came right down to it, they did not know how to get out of the driver’s seat.

What follows are five observations/tips that I would like to share with those for whom letting go of control is a challenge. I hope that they shift the way you think about your relationship to control and give you the courage to find the release you seek.

1. “Letting go” of control is not the same as “losing control”. “Losing control” connotes a lack of choice, and evokes a feeling of panic. It carries with it the unspoken implication that once control is lost it can no longer be retrieved. Conversely, “letting go” of control is a choice. If someone wanted to give you a present, but you were holding a bunch of boxes, you would need to put down the boxes to receive the present. When we choose to let go of something, we are figuratively freeing our hands of what we know so we can receive an unknown experience. Nothing is lost – you can bend down and pick up your stack of boxes again any time you wish.

2. Give yourself the space and time you need to let go. If you schedule your BDSM play during your workday, and have to leave your phone on throughout the scene just in case someone needs you, and arrive fresh from a high-stakes meeting and are leaving to go have dinner with an important client afterwards, the “you” that needs to shut off for awhile is never given an opportunity to do so. When possible, arrange your day so you have a buffer before and after your session. Take time to relax and get yourself into the right headspace prior to the scene, and don’t schedule anything important afterwards so you can reflect on your experience and process whatever feelings it elicited. See if there is someone who can take your calls while you are playing, or put a voice mail message on your phone specifying when you will resume taking calls.

3. Cultivate mindfulness. Mindfulness is the practice of experiencing life with complete and total presence. It is feeling the emotions that rise to the surface and allowing them to flow. It is experiencing the physical sensations in your body with all of your senses. It is being mentally receptive and open to the newness of an experience and engaging with full passion with what is occurring. Unfortunately, what I repeatedly watch clients do is try to physically experience a scene while trying to supress rising emotions and/or overthinking what is taking place. Those whose inner mental dialogue is particularly cruel can experience a stream of constant, ongoing self-criticism and judgement. Mindfulness is the antidote to this.

4. Risk vulnerability with someone who sees vulnerability all the time – the stakes are lower. Remember that reputable Pro Dominants are very used to seeing people undone and understand that there is more to a person than the mask they project. They are not going to judge you for enjoying whatever you’re into – you are very likely to not be the first or even the tenth person to approach them with a particular kink, or to have dissolved into tears in front of them. Try to view your BDSM scene as a science lab where you can experiment with letting go of control under the guidance of someone whom you have professional distance from, who is open to holding space for you for just that reason. It is less personally risky than revealing your vulnerability to who are used to you having your shit together all the time.

5. Build an ongoing relationship with one Dominant. Meeting a reputable Pro for the first time to engage in something as intimate as a BDSM session can be a little intimidating. You may not have faith in them to be able to take you where you need/want to go at first, and the process of trust-building may take time. Building an ongoing relationship with one Professional ensures that they get to know your unique needs while demonstrating that they respect your stated boundaries. As you feel more confident that the space you create together is a safe one, it may become easier to leave your need to control at the door.


The Ritual Chamber