TRANSFORMATION IN BDSM POWER EXCHANGE DYNAMICS - BY HEADMISTRESS SHAHRAZAD

Transformation in BDSM Power Exchange Dynamics

By Headmistress Shahrazad

When you look at yourself in the mirror, do you see actuality or potentiality?

Do you fixate on the “you” that is? Do you get glimpses from time to time of the “you” that could be?

Are you content to live with yourself as you are, your desired self still at arm’s reach, or do you march headlong into change with courage?

The art of transformation implies the shapeshifting of matter from one specific form to another. In other words, a process of change wherein something is rendered completely indistinguishable from its previous form. Think, for example, of a caterpillar that builds a cocoon around itself only to emerge as a butterfly, or a tadpole that eventually grows legs and becomes a frog. While animals simply surrender to time and their natural transformation processes, humans are much more complicated.

As humans, we have the potential to grow, develop and gain self-knowledge and self-awareness. We have the ability to uncover parts of ourselves that we didn’t know existed and integrate them into our consciousness, leaving us changed for the better. Unfortunately, most of us resist change. Although we may desire to express a potential that we haven’t yet reached, we do not like stepping into the unknown and trusting the process. We are generally more comfortable with the status quo than with the prospect of having to transform ourselves into our fantasy of what we could be. We want an impossible guarantee (unlike the butterfly) that there will be something better when we break out of the cocoon.

The willingness to surrender to transformation, therefore, is a courageous decision that must be initiated from deep inside oneself. No one external to you can force you to make a change that you are not prepared to make. Even when life forces you into a corner and you realize that you MUST transform, the external is only the inspiration for the change, not the motivation to do it. This is an important thing to remember, especially when it comes to the arena of behaviour modification within consensually negotiated power exchange dynamics.

When a submissive enters a power exchange relationship with a Dominant, they are essentially agreeing to be molded and transformed according to the Dominant’s will, desires and preferences. This usually works well if the changes that the Dominant requires the submissive to make are within the comfort zone of the submissive. For example, a Dominant might ask a submissive to rearrange their day so that the sub can bring them a fresh cup of coffee every Monday morning. Given the submissive’s schedule, let’s say that this requires only a small change in route on their part and the task is embraced willingly with consistent performance.

Most submissives are thrilled and deeply fulfilled by being able to please their Dominant and do their best to accommodate their wishes. The difficulty happens when the transformation that is desired in the submissive requires them to change a fundamental part of how they approach or engage with themselves or life. For example, that same Dominant might want the submissive to always refer to themselves in third person whenever they speak because they enjoy objectifying them. That same submissive may struggle internally with the idea of talking about themselves in that manner, also getting frustrated that the change in speech pattern is very different from how they habitually speak. The Dominant begins to notice that the submissive applies the rule only haphazardly, remembering to do it from time to time or only when corrected, and even then, with a certain amount of resistance.

In the latter situation, no matter how much the Dominant wants the transformation in the submissive, the change won’t stick. The desire to please a Dominant may be a strong impetus, but unless that submissive is genuinely willing to step off the edge of the cliff and commit to the process of seeing themselves as an object (and letting go of who they currently understand themselves to be), the change will not occur no matter how well intentioned the submissive is. The achievement of deep seated behavioural change requires a sub to know themselves well, such that they can be completely honest with their Dominant about whether they have the inner motivation to make the shift.

If the submissive finds within themselves the readiness to take on a core-level transformation at the request of their Dominant and see it through to completion, the submissive invariably gains a profound sense of accomplishment, greater self-knowledge, and deeper trust in the process of change.  The Dominant/submissive relationship deepens as both feel fulfilled by the shift – the Dominant because they have molded the submissive to their liking, and the submissive because they have succeeded in turning a vision of their potential into an actual reality.

The fact that we have an ability to reinvent ourselves is huge. It means that when the timing is right, the crucible of a D/s relationship may be just the right circumstance to initiate a lasting and desired shift in behaviour.