Ditching Dominatrix Stereotypes by Lady Pim

Ditching Dominatrix Stereotypes

By Lady Pim

Picture a Dominatrix in your head, right now.

The Dominatrix most people are familiar with, is the one we often see mimicked time and time again, in popular culture.  If we are asked to think of a Dominatrix, we often picture a severe, latex clad woman wearing six inch stilettos, with a whip in hand.  She is white, and fit, with large breasts.  And she is ready to kick your ass.  Sound familiar?

The problem with this historical image, as fun as it can be to play with, is that it inherently excludes the rest of us.  Not only does it limit what type of women can practice Femdom, but in what way. 

Though this traditional costume might empower some, wearing a tight fitting, and unbreathable fabric might be the last thing you feel sexy in.  What about those who sweat?  Or need more mobility than that?  Or don't want our rolls busting out?  If you don't feel confident in heels, then Domming in heels doesn't make much sense, does it?  The whole point of being a Domme is that you are the one in charge.  You are the one who sets the rules.  The whole point of Femdom, is to subvert the script that is currently set in place.  To turn the patriarchy on its head.  The same goes for what a Domme "looks like".  We don't need to appeal to the male gaze, because we are the ones running the show.  We don't need to be the sexual objects in this scenario.  For once.

So, what does that look like, in practice?  Embrace your body the way it is, and not you think it's supposed to be.  Easier said than done.  We have layers upon layers of culture conditioning that informs us of what is sexy, and what is not.  More specifically, what body types.  Who "sexiness" is "for".  As far as figuring out what your authentic Domme persona looks like start from square one.  Attempt to shed all the preconceived notions of what a Domme needs to look like.  What men tell us we need to look like, in order to be desirable.  Take some time to find the ensemble that you feel the most powerful and confident in.  Maybe it's something loose fitting, with bright colours, and a pair of flats.  What outfits from your closet make you feel like a million bucks?  What about these outfits make us feel good?  The colour?  The cut?  The material?  When building your Domme persona, it might help to work outside in.  Don't let popular culture dictate whether you look like a Domme or not.  Dommes are young, old, fat, thin, soft, muscular, abled, disabled, cis, non-binary, trans, white, or folks of colour.  And, we can wear whatever we goddamn well please.  Don't think for one second that your unique physical qualities will diminish your Dominance. 

All this said, it's not how a Domme looks that's important.  It's what she does.  But clothing can inform you the way you act, and the way you carry yourself.  Change your outfit, change your mood.  And that's why it deserves some focus.

Now, take a moment to think of what a Dominatrix does.

This image is almost as easy to summon as our leather clad, corsetted woman.  Dommes are mean.  They bark orders, spew insults, and beat the living shit out of their subs.  Which is one great scene Dommes can facilitate, don't get me wrong, but there is so very much more out there to explore.  So, why limit yourself? 

Even classic BDSM archetypes can have so much nuance.  The Teacher, for example, can certainly be a disciplinarian, but may also possess caring, thoughtful attributes.  Teachers generally want to help you succeed, and shape you to become a better person.  This may include anything from positive reinforcement and encouragement, to a little tough love, to a much needed heart-to-heart.  Yes, Teachers often have an air of removed professionalism, but their overall intention is to be a positive role model in your life.  And what a fantastic basis for a tender sort of scene.  Does the thought of making a good impression on your teacher make you weak in the needs?  Will the idea of proving yourself to her make you melt?  Can you imagine her telling you, in a sweet, singsong voice of hers, "You've done a good job, today.  Same time again tomorrow."  Power exchange doesn't always have to be based on severity.  It can also be about helping, challenging, and validating. 

Now, the Doctor archetype focusses on you physically.  And while a 'Mad Doctor' scene can be very stimulating, so can a more realistic Doctor who is concerned for your physical well-being.  A check up, or certain type of medical testing may be uncomfortable or painful, so it might be that much more important for the sub to have a friendly figure delivering it.  Encouragement, though veiled with a similar emotionally removed professionalism as the Teacher, is necessary for a number of reasons.  They have other patients to see, and need to make sure that this goes smoothly, for one.  Yes, they genuinely care about your well-being (they wouldn't have gotten into this career if it were otherwise), but they have a high status job, and they have important work to do.  It's best to keep it polite, so that your patient doesn't feel like a number.  You don't want a bad review on "RateMDs.com", do you?  Feigned kindness mixed with objectification is irresistible to many subs.  Do you find it stimulating, how she asks you how the kids are doing without looking up from her clipboard?  Does the thought of being tenderly guided through a quick prostate exam, arouse the senses?  Can you imagine her telling you, in that slightly robotic voice and forced smile, "Hold still.  It's just be a bit longer.  You're doing great."  A Doctor patient scene is a great way to bring a very nuanced type of caring to power exchange.

Outside of roleplay, many Dommes choose to enjoy a more playful style of Domination.  It can often be a more accessible, relatable form of play, in which the stakes don't seem quite as high.  A more casual scene, where the sub is encouraged to use their regular language and have a verbal back and forth with their captor.  It may relax them to be able to expresses themselves openly, rather than having to stifle their reactions.  And it leaves the Domme with a fun energy to play off of.  This opens the door to tease and denial scenarios, mindfuckery, and/or bullying and humiliation type play.  For some Dommes, a smiling sub really energizes them.  It communicates to her that the sub is enjoying the scene.  And, if the sub is enjoying themselves a little too much, it allows the Domme to remove stimuli to illicit a desired reaction.  Or try to get a new, more intense reaction. On the flipside, a comical Domme may intimidate subs with her unpredictability.  This type of Domination might bring out the delicious uncomfortability and lack of control that they desire.  The options really are limitless, once you throw out the idea that scenes need to be intense and severe.

And lastly, outside of the scene, a Domme should always care about the bottom/sub, and their general well-being.  Whether you are a lifestyle Domme or a Professional, you should never "be mean" to a sub or client, unless the sub has consented and negotiated for you to treat them that way.  Your Domme persona should be an authentic extension of yourself.  So, unless your personality is that of a total and complete asshole, there is no need to present that way.  Pre scene, during the scene, or afterwards.  In fact, if that's so, I would recommend that you find another hobby.