You Want Me to Pretend to Be Who? Making Role Play Feel Less Awkward - by Headmistress Shahrazad
Whether it’s stepping into the Dominant or submissive role for the first time, or a partner suggesting an elaborate Nurse/patient scenario, the prospect of exploring sexuality through a different mask can be exciting for some – and totally daunting for others. Because role play relies on two or more people to step into an alternate reality together in order for it to work, the more reluctant partner can feel a lot of pressure to “get it right”. If you have an appointment with a Pro Dominant and have asked to explore a role play, it may feel a little easier as the lack of familiarity means you won’t be playing with someone who knows you well in real life, but that doesn’t mean you won’t have moments of feeling self-conscious or silly. Here are some quick tips for dealing with some of the most common issues:
1. I can’t think of anything to say.
If role play gets you stuck in your head trying to figure out the perfect words and delivery, it’s no wonder that the experience becomes less sexy and more stressful. That kind of self-doubt can be paralyzing. BEFORE you do your scene, spend a bit of time thinking about the role you’ll be exploring and how that character might react/respond within the agreed upon scenario. Once the moment comes though, let it all go and sink down into your physical experience. What do you FEEL in response to the other person? Nervous? Powerful? Authoritative? Small? Bratty? How do you imagine the other person is feeling in response to you? Let your words reflect the felt experience of the present moment that is being co-created by the two of you, and riff from there. Here is an example:
“Young man, you’re late for class!”
“My heart is beating in my chest Ma’am, I didn’t mean to be late!”
“You know I get frustrated when my students miss my lectures.”
“I know Ma’am, I feel so ashamed right now, especially when you look at me like that. I’ll never do it again.”
“My eyebrow is raised because you said that to me yesterday, and the day before. I don’t believe you.”
The two people in this example are letting the dialogue emerge by staying connected to their genuine physical responses to each other in the moment. Remember that there is no RIGHT thing to say…banter in role play is intended to move the scene along and create a psychoerotic mood; It’s not so much about WHAT you’re saying.
In addition, a lot can be communicated through the body without ANY words. Don’t believe me? One day, as an experiment, try doing an erotic role play scenario using only body language and see what you learn from the experience.
2. I feel self-conscious.
To at least some degree, most of us feel relatively comfortable being ourselves, or at least are familiar with the landscape of thoughts, emotions, motivations, defenses, aspirations, desires, and boundaries that makes up who we are. We are often SO comfortable that we barely even think about HOW we are in the world, which is understandable because we practice being us every day! Trying on a new persona in a role play means that we suddenly become hyper-aware of how this other character moves, how they flirt, how they speak, and what motivates them.
It is highly likely that role play WILL make you feel self-conscious because what you become aware of are the discrepancies between the way you generally are and this new way of expressing your energy. What is important to realize is that self-consciousness is not necessarily a bad thing – when you change out of your well-worn pyjamas into a latex catsuit, you do become conscious of every little inch of your body and how it moves through space in a different way. The key is to not to turn that self-consciousness into shame, embarrassment, or doubt. Here is an example:
The principal role my consulting client wanted to explore in an erotic role play context required that they be serious and strict, when they are usually used to being charming and cracking self-deprecating jokes during sex. They had a choice to use that realization to beat themselves up/freeze in their tracks (e.g. “I’ll never be able to do this because I’m not used to being so serious. I’m definitely going to fuck this up - I won’t be at all convincing”, or they can use that realization to figure out where the new role might feel a little unfamiliar and keep going regardless (e.g. “This role is going to challenge me to keep a straight face. It will be an opportunity to explore how tap into a more serious side of myself than I usually show”.
The self-consciousness is not the thing – how we relate to it is.
3. What if I’m not convincing?
Often, after a couple of role play attempts, folks will come up with the idea that they don’t want to role play because they are not convincing in the role they’re playing. Here’s a news flash though…we don’t explore kinky role play scenarios to become eligible for the Oscars. We have no camera crews or directors or producers judging our performance. The intent of role play generally falls into the same category as the reason why we liked imagination games as kids – it’s fun…and as adults we have the added bonus of exploring because it turns us on.
If we dig a little deeper into this question though what is really being expressed is a fear that we will disappoint our play partners. And often their opinion matters more to us than anyone’s. If remembering that you are engaging in role play for fun and mutual pleasure doesn’t increase your confidence, try the following:
Bring it up with your partner before your next playdate. You might say something like, “A lot of the time I worry that I’m not convincing enough in this role to do it, and you, justice. I’m afraid of disappointing you. Can we make an agreement that we won’t judge each other and laugh if we need to and take breaks if we need to until I get the hang of this?” If your partner agrees, it’s likely to take some of the pressure off - you can give yourself permission to focus less on performance and more on enjoying each other.
Becoming good at a role takes practice, and as you spend more time in that low-pressure zone, continuing to engage and have fun, you’ll get more and more comfortable with it. And one day, whether its months or years later, you’ll feel so comfortable it’ll be like switching on and off a part of yourself. When I began exploring as a Femdom, I hardly felt convincing in the role. It was only through continued engagement with it no matter how I felt that has me, now years later, feeling like my “role” is more authentically me than the person I am in my day-to-day life. Stay the course – it’s worth it.